A Big Kid Ski Lesson in Park City, Utah

We started our morning pre-ski with some delicious caffeine free coffee-like substances.

The ski rental company delivered and helped us try everything on.

We found some pretty hideous sweater hoodie things in the Target Christmas discount bin, so we bought some for the girls to wear on the trip.

Throughout the day I could hear big pops in the distance. Apparently they use dynamite to clear out snow that is an avalanche danger. It was so avalanchey today that some of the slopes in the area were closed.

Everyone else in the group knew how to ski so we split up and I headed to the training area. The lining up, checking of passes, scared recruits in helmets, and avalanche explosions in the distance made me feel like I was in some kind of space marine boot camp.

A lot of people were better skiers than me but nobody, nobody was better dressed than me. I was rocking a pair of Zeal Optics with custom Breckenridge Brewery head strap that Zoe won. I also had my new Tipsy Elves Night Run ski suit that Lydia bought to bribe me onto this trip. Woo wee I was really shakin' up some ladies' snow globes. The St. Bernard that finds my frozen corpse gonna be like "damn that's a tasty popsicle!"

The fact that I was no longer at Hidden Valley in MOssouri was quickly apparent. The gondola went fast and high enough to make your ears pop. I was about to go skiing down the side of an actual mountain. Tell my story if I don't make it back.

We started off with some of the same dipstick "walk around with one ski on your foot" stuff that we did in Hidden Valley, but it quickly progressed.

I guess it snowed a lot yesterday because the magic carpet conveyor belt thing was snowed under and we had to wait while they dug it out.

I learned that skiing is all about turning. If you have your skis pointed straight down the hill you are going to pick up too much speed and have a bad time, so you have to constantly be turning back and forth down the mountain.

A lot of good men lost their lives on the slopes of Sweet Pea.

These signs were terrifying. This place seems a lot more dangerous than anyone here seems to acknowledge. There are areas where you could easily go over the side of a slope and then I'm not sure what would happen to you. You'd definitely do some plummeting.

We stopped for a couple of water breaks.

I'm not sure what was colder, the snow or my icy blue stare.

Since only rich people could possibly have skiing as a hobby, the food in the cafeteria was pretty high brow stuff.

I made it all the way from green rated Sweet Pea to green rated Mellow Moose.

After skiing my friends were like "lets hang out and drink in the hot tub and do fun things" and I was more like "I'm still on China time and I'm friggin' tired from falling over 42 times I'll see you tomorrow if ever."

My First Time Skiing

We have a ski trip coming up with our friends in a few weeks, and as I've come to find out, ski trips are freaking expensive. So since I've never skied before I figured I'd get as much falling on my face done here in Missouri as possible where things are cheaper. Then in Utah I can concentrate on that move where you flip upside down and spin your skis in the air like a helicopter.

Hidden Valley Ski Resort. So this is the scene of the accident.

The nice thing about skiing is that there are always a lot of children around who are way better at skiing that you are. Well I'm better at puberty than they are. So there.

I was interested to see my first snow machine. For some reason I stupidly imagined a snow machine as a moveable machine that you'd push around to get complete snow coverage. Sort of like a reverse snow blower.

I thought the paperclip/sticker combo ski pass on the zipper was kind of cool.

Getting the boots on was more work than I would have expected. And walking in them was really awkward. Kind like really heavy spaceboots.

I did a lot of runs on this little training slope that had a little conveyor belt that took you back to the top called a magic carpet. It was all very magical. The gear was pretty amusing. The helmet was rented but the goggles were Zoe's, that she won from that damn Breckenridge Brewery giveaway.

I needed some convincing to sign up for any of this skiing business. I'm more of a level grounded, walking for transport sort of man. My bribe for participating in this expensive venture was Lydia had to buy me a ski suit. I picked the raddest, most 80s Saved by the Bell thing I could find.

The ski lift was probably the scariest part of the whole thing. It was really hard to get off of, and when I fell they had to stop the whole thing and everyone had to wait for me to get out of the way. Seemed like a great place to break your leg.

I took a good lesson with a guy that was actually from Salt Lake, so that made it even more authentic. I learned a few things, and was feeling pretty good. Pizza makes you go slower, french fries make you go faster. Ok I can handle this. I asked my instructor if he thought I was ready for Park City. "No. You're going to need 3 or 4 more lessons." Well I got time for zero more so good luck to me.