A Big Kid Ski Lesson in Park City, Utah

We started our morning pre-ski with some delicious caffeine free coffee-like substances.

The ski rental company delivered and helped us try everything on.

We found some pretty hideous sweater hoodie things in the Target Christmas discount bin, so we bought some for the girls to wear on the trip.

Throughout the day I could hear big pops in the distance. Apparently they use dynamite to clear out snow that is an avalanche danger. It was so avalanchey today that some of the slopes in the area were closed.

Everyone else in the group knew how to ski so we split up and I headed to the training area. The lining up, checking of passes, scared recruits in helmets, and avalanche explosions in the distance made me feel like I was in some kind of space marine boot camp.

A lot of people were better skiers than me but nobody, nobody was better dressed than me. I was rocking a pair of Zeal Optics with custom Breckenridge Brewery head strap that Zoe won. I also had my new Tipsy Elves Night Run ski suit that Lydia bought to bribe me onto this trip. Woo wee I was really shakin' up some ladies' snow globes. The St. Bernard that finds my frozen corpse gonna be like "damn that's a tasty popsicle!"

The fact that I was no longer at Hidden Valley in MOssouri was quickly apparent. The gondola went fast and high enough to make your ears pop. I was about to go skiing down the side of an actual mountain. Tell my story if I don't make it back.

We started off with some of the same dipstick "walk around with one ski on your foot" stuff that we did in Hidden Valley, but it quickly progressed.

I guess it snowed a lot yesterday because the magic carpet conveyor belt thing was snowed under and we had to wait while they dug it out.

I learned that skiing is all about turning. If you have your skis pointed straight down the hill you are going to pick up too much speed and have a bad time, so you have to constantly be turning back and forth down the mountain.

A lot of good men lost their lives on the slopes of Sweet Pea.

These signs were terrifying. This place seems a lot more dangerous than anyone here seems to acknowledge. There are areas where you could easily go over the side of a slope and then I'm not sure what would happen to you. You'd definitely do some plummeting.

We stopped for a couple of water breaks.

I'm not sure what was colder, the snow or my icy blue stare.

Since only rich people could possibly have skiing as a hobby, the food in the cafeteria was pretty high brow stuff.

I made it all the way from green rated Sweet Pea to green rated Mellow Moose.

After skiing my friends were like "lets hang out and drink in the hot tub and do fun things" and I was more like "I'm still on China time and I'm friggin' tired from falling over 42 times I'll see you tomorrow if ever."

My First Trip to Utah

When someone's just been subjected to a nightmarish 2.5 day long journey, half sleeping crumpled up on the floors of African airports, it's a well known fact that the best medicine is to go on another flight in four days for a friggin ski trip. Lydia has really crossed the line this time folks. Her masochism knows no bounds.

There is an artist/comedian savant whose talents are being wasted at a St. Louis airport bar.

We flew to Salt Lake City, Utah. I had always envisioned SLC being being like a desert so the concept of skiing there was kind of confusing to my brain. 

We met up with our crew consisting of Lolo, Viry, Wing, and Joel. They all have pretty satisfyingly short names. Very John-length. Anyway we headed to Target for some Utah provisions. My understanding is that Utah only very recently decided that its delicate people could handle beer stronger that 3.2%. From my Anheuser-Busch days I can tell you that their beer is even more confusing than that, because 3.2% refers to the alcohol content by weight, while the usual way of measuring the strength of beer in current times is ABV, or alcohol by volume. Luckily there were warning signs on the beer shelves.

I read about Utah special cuisine and Postum came up. They didn't have this at Target so I was forced to commandeer the ship and go to Walmart as well. Mormons, of which Utah is teeming, don't drink coffee: 

"Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, February 27, 1833. As a consequence of the early brethren using tobacco in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently, he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was the result.

And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly."

I, too, have many of my best revelations in Ohio. Anyway so Postum is a drink that you heat up that doesn't count as the aforementioned naughty "hot belly drink". This good belly hot drink yum yum.

There weren't any articles inside this paper, just a handwritten message. "I'm cool with global warming. Oh wait I realized my economy is based on skiing and that requires cold weather. Oh nooes my lack of foresighttt noooo."

We got a pretty cool cabin in Park City. It said that it was "ski in, ski out". That was a lie, but it was pretty fun anyway.

The previous guest left a bunch of very Utah brewskies in the fridge for us. This was a good omen that this was going to be a very jazzy trip indeed.