Monday, November 25, 2019

Ate My Way to the Big Leagues

So one of the things that's always on my must-do list in a new country is to visit the local McDonald's and see what type of regional fare they're offering. Mcdonald's does a good job of adapting its menu to each country it operates in. I lived in Japan for a couple years and so got to see a lot of weird McDonald's marketing, so that may be one source of my current fetish.

An ad in a Japanese subway car I saw in July, 2009. Something something, ladies, something pink, something buy a Quarter Pounder value meal and you can win a t-shirt. Well I did buy the value meal and I did win said t-shirt. Only problem was it was like a Japanese woman's size medium. Challenge accepted McDonald's. I put it on in the store like a beast man. and I wore it proudly about the town.

Some time afterward we went to a beach party at Nakoso Beach, near Iwaki city. 

Some of the Phi crew were visiting and were in attendance.

I thought this was also a good time to wear my lady McDonald's shirt. It was so tight you could see the outlines of my internal organs.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh. McDonald's in other countries.

Well I was minding my own business inside when I noticed the bat signal in the sky. "John, this is Insider Inc., originally called Business Insider Inc., an American online media company known for publishing the financial news website Business Insider and other news and media websites. The people need your videos of stuffing your face with exotic fast food!"

I was like "sure thing babydoll, how much are you going to pay me though?"
And she was like "don't call me that and zero dollars."
And I was like "sold!"

This was like my big record deal. Does it still count as selling out if you don't get any actual money?

They initially wanted my sweet, sweet McDonald's Georgie meat pie footage from New Zealand.

Being the shrewd negotiator that I am, however, I was able to get them to throw in some Bali, Indonesia McDonald's footage for no additional cost!

Weeks later the video came out and... wow. First of all they cut the sound and narrated over my face chewing. Am I that bad an actor?

Lydia got some screen time as well. She doesn't seem to have a problem riding my coattails to impoverished fame.

That McDonald's rice though.


Almost as fun as seeing the video was the collection of hate it induced from douchebags around the world.

The Aussies were especially undie-twisted that New Zealand made the cut but not them. Tough luck losers!

My understanding of how show business works is now I just sit back and let the residuals roll in.

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